That fateful day started out much the same as any other first day of school would: the sleeping through my alarm clock, the one strand of hair that refuses to lie flat despite superfluous efforts, nearly skipping breakfast just to be sure to catch the bus on time. Yes, definitely a normal day except for one thing; him, sitting one seat back and one seat over on the bus. I couldn't remember having seen him before, so he was either much older than me or a new student. His hair was nearly as dark as mine, and chopped haphazardly so that pieces grazed his jaw line, with forest green eyes that were only dulled because of the bored expression that played across his face. He was positively and most definitely the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life.
Normally, in this type of situation, I would be so shy and awkward that my next move would have shocked me, but I suddenly got an urge of confidence and plunked down in the seat next to him, bad hair and all.
“Mind if I sit here? There really isn't room anywhere else,” I asked, which was a lie, seeing as how the bus was only half full. He just turned his head towards me and nodded, then went back to staring out the window. I probably sounded petulant, but I was determined, suddenly, to make this kid talk to me, as if a higher clout wanted me to.
“I’m Charlotte, by the way. Are you new here? I don’t think I've ever seen you before.”
He didn't answer, so I was just about to ask again when he turned and said, “Oh, um, Devin. Yeah, I am new here. Are you a freshman, too?”
Oh, his name was Devin. How very interesting. And he was a freshman and new, so that means he probably needed some friends. I was practically reeling, already thinking of how he and I could grow into being friends, and then maybe something more.
“Um, are you a freshman, too?” he asked again, and I snapped back to reality.
“Yeah, I am a freshman. So, since you’re new here, have you made any friends yet?”
“Uh, well, not really, no,” Devin stammered, and then quickly looked away from me. I wondered if he was just very shy, or if maybe he thought that I was being too pushy.
"Well, if you're ever looking for someone to talk to, you can talk with me about it," I said, hoping that I didn't sound like a desperate person. Surprisingly, though, he turned to look at me fully, and a small smile played across his face that nearly melted me like butter.
"Thanks, Charlotte," he said, not a trace of embarrassment this time, and then we both stood up at the exact same time to get off of the bus, which I hadn't even realized had reached the school.
Over the next few months, Devin and I really did start to become friends; he had his other friends, and I had mine, so we were really more of an over sized freshman friendship circle. He still gave me chills every time he smiled or looked right at me, but I assumed that he still had no clue that I secretly liked him, even as we entered sophomore year. Then came another day that changed my life forever. Of course, it was February 14th, Valentine's Day, and our whole group was out at Friendly's for ice cream. I still had my short hair, but Devin's was in the in between stage of good long and in need of a haircut.
After everyone had ordered, Devin asked me if he could talk to me alone about something.
"So, what's up?" I asked once we had retired to a more private booth in the back. He seemed almost nervous and anxious, like the first day we met, and his eyes were more radiant against his skin than ever.
"Um, Charlotte? We're good friends, right?" he asked/stated nervously, almost waiting for an answer. He was the picture of humility, and I couldn't help but wonder why.
"Well, yea, I would hope so after knowing each other for a year and a half now," I answered jokingly. "Why? What's bothering you?"
"It's just that- um...." His voice actually started to shake a little as he talked. "Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Charlotte, will you be my girlfriend?"
I sat there, staring at his pleading and beautiful face, the impromptu question still ringing in my ears, completely in shock. My answer, after a good ten seconds of being dumbfounded, was a hysterical "YES! Oh my God, why didn't you say something sooner?", the best hug I had ever and probably will ever give, and the look on every one's faces when we walked back to the table with interlocking fingers. Following that day, Devin and I were practically inseparable, going to movies, parties, late-night snack drives; you name it, we did it about ten times. Our first kiss came at my birthday party, which was combined with our three month anniversary, and every day I saw him could never be a bad one. As our friends dated, broke up, and got back together, we were a permanent couple, lasting through junior and most of senior year. Then prom night came, and my perfect world was shattered.
Of course, Devin and I went together, complete with the limousine, the corsage, the pink dress with all kinds of embellishments, and the fancy dinner for two. All during dinner was one of the happiest times of my life, one of the very rare times that Devin and I got to be alone and just talk; but I couldn't help but notice how nervous he seemed despite all the fun we were having.
"Devin, are you okay? You seem, different, somehow," I asked just after our desserts arrived. Instead of answering, he just cast his eyes down and shoved a much too large piece of tiramisu into his mouth. "Devin? Honestly, what's up? You can tell me."
He chewed the bite slowly, then swallowed and said, with the new found confidence he somehow mustered in these situations, "It's nothing. You'll find out soon enough." After he said this, he reached into his pocket and placed something in a small box on the table to get to his wallet to pay.
After dinner, on our way back to the limo to get to prom, Devin suddenly realized that he had left something at the table we were sitting at, that small box; I wondered what could possibly be in it. The parking lot for the restaurant had been packed, so the driver had to go across the street in order to park. When we had crossed over and on the way back, both Devin and I had checked that there weren't any cars coming, but I guess he was just in such a hurry to get whatever it was that he forgot. He made it across just fine, got whatever he left, and was halfway across the street again before I noticed the pickup truck coming from the opposite direction, heading straight for him.
"DEVIN, RUN!" I shrilled hysterically, which only made him stop and look at me with a confused countenance. I think he only had time to hear the cacophony of the truck's blaring horn and turn for one second before it crashed into him, sending him flying at least ten feet farther into the road. The truck finally screeched to a halt, but Devin just lay there, completely motionless.
"OH MY GOD, NO!" I sobbed, kicking off my heels and sprinting towards him, sitting on the ground next to him with his head in my lap, using my dress as a poultice. He was mumbling something, but all I could make out was the word "love" as I cried and tried to tell him to hang on. He was still clutching the small box like his life depended on it, even though it was really my life that depended on his. The paramedics finally came, and when they lifted him off of me there was a horrible blood stain on my dress where his head had been. My parents came to get me, and I spent the next day between sleeping and sobbing until I could see him in the hospital.
After the most horrible night of my life, after seeing for an instant those green eyes I treasured so much wide in true fear, the phone rang. I rolled out of bed to answer it, hoping that it would be good news, but my dad got there first. His face said everything; something was definitely not alright with Devin.
"Charlotte, honey," he practically whispered, probably trying not to upset me, " that was the hospital just now. They said that.... due to the way he was hit, the force of the impact was too much for him and- they said he had a ring in his hand when they examined him, they think he was going to give it to you." Pause. "Charlotte, he's gone."
"Gone?" I moaned, and then the tacit truth became clear: he was dead, all for a ring that had been meant for me. I started sobbing and cursing and hyperventilating all over again. He wanted to marry me; the love of my life, since the first minute I saw him; those eyes that had been haunting me all night were closed forever.
Now, many years later, I have just started to be able to live with the pain of knowing I will never get to see him again, of that irrevocable prom night. I kept everything that I ever had having to do with him: all my pictures of him and I, just him, the cards, notes, other things he wrote me. And I still have my prom dress to this day, blood stain and all, a vivid reminder of the one person in this world who I had ever truly loved. But whenever I think of Devin, instead of the last night we spent together, I prefer to think of my happiest memory of him: the first time I say him on the bus that day, and just tried to be nice.
13 comments:
After reading this short story, I want the reader to understand that there is not much time for us on this earth, and everything that you love and cherish can be gone in a flash, in just the same way that Charlotte and Devin were so cruelly seperated by his death. The easiest part of this piece to write was probably the introduction and first paragraph because it was felt very natural to describe the fated meeting of my two characters. The most difficult area to write was when Devin first asked out Charlotte, because I wanted it to be much more romantic and sentimental that it actually turned out, but I wasn't sur exactly how to do that. I would like it if the people who read this story give me feedback on how I can maybe change that section of my story, and maybe also how Charlotte reacted to Devin's death.
The conflict of the story is that Charlotte really likes this kid named Devin and wants him to realize that. She tries hard to be nice to him and show her affection in a subtle, but getting-the-point-across kind of way. Finaly on February 14 of their junior year, Devin asks Charlotte to be his girlfriend. Everything between them is perfect, almost to good to be true. This factor shows on their senior prom night when Devin is coming out of the restaraunt after running back in to get something he left on the table. He gets half way across the street when he is hit by a car and immediatly rushed to the hostpital. This conflict is resolved when Devin dies a few days later. This is an internal conflict. I was, actually, very invested in how Katie was going to resolve the confict. I think to make it more dramatic she could've built up the pre-prom dinner instead of describing the years before the prom.
The main character changes over time by going from a girl who is nervous about having a first love and a little socially awkward, to one who finds it very comfortable to be in love with someone and becomes a lot less awkward. This is important to the story because it the main character didnt change then the climax and resolution in the plot wouldn't have been as interesting or dramatic.
Mt favorite part of the story(although i think there should be less of it), is in the exposition when Katie describes charlotte getting ready for school. This stood out to me because its describing how imperfect Charlotte is and thats what leads to the big character change. This is also my favorite part because i love the descriptive words katie uses and the word choice she uses is really good.
I think overall, this story's best quality is the language used and how descriptive parts of it is. I also like the plot of the story and how theres a mini conflict in the beginning which leads up the the bigger conflict in the end. It makes the story a lot more interesting the Katie was able to have two conflicts in one story that were related to eachother without the story being too long.
I think the only thing Kati has to change is to make parts of the story that aren't as important less descriptive than the other more important parts of the story. (For example, shortening the exposition when Charlotte is trying to make Devin like her and adding description to the dinner before the accident would make the climax and resolution that much more dramatic). But overall i think this was a very well written story and i really liked it. =D
the conflict of the story is that they two love birds charlotte and devin go to prom together. Devin ended up forgetting something inside and had to cross the busy street, on his way back he was in such a hurry and didn't look both ways. he ended up getting hit by a truck and dying because of the great impact.
the main character changes by first being so happy cause she found the love of her life, and her relationship with him was better than ever, basically they loved each-other. It all changed when he found out that her boyfriend had died. She didn't know what to do with herself.. her love was gone.
My favorite part is when there at friendly's and he asks her to be her girlfriend. She was in shock and didn't know why he hadnt asked her earlier. she loved him.
her best quality is her description and describing the setting and the emotions of the story and the main characters.
The theme is that like everything doesn't have a fairy-tale ending and things can go bad.
I would work on less of the exposition in the begging of the story.
SUPERFLUOUS-(adjective) I used this word to describe how Charlotte had to use many extra efforts to try to look nice, but they still didn't work.
PETULANT-(adjective) I used this word to describe the way that Charlotte thought she was sounding like to Devin, because in reality she was being a little rude.
CLOUT-(noun) I used this word for something like a god that was somehow telling Charlotte that her life depended on talking to Devin.
RETIRED-(verb) I usd this word to describe how Charlotte and Devin withdrew from the rest of the group so that they could talk privately in friendly's.
IMPROMPTU-(adjective) I used this word when Devin seemed to spontaneously ask out Charlotte and it had sort of just slipped out that way, even though he had planned something more romantic than that.
EMBELLISHMENTS-(noun) I used this word when describing Charlotte's prom dress to show that it was a very expensive and prize dress.
SHRILLED-(verb) I used this word to describe how scared and excited Charlotte was when she was trying to tell Devin to get out of the way of the pickup truck.
COUNTENANCE-(noun) I used this word to describe what Devin was feeling at that moment by using his facial expression as an indicator.
CACOPHONY-(noun) I used this word to show how horrible and loud the honking of the truck was before it slammed into Devin.
POULTICE-(noun) I used this word to describe how Charlotte was trying to help Devin immediately after the accident by putting pressure on his head with her dress.
TACIT-(noun) I used this word to say haw even though Charlotte's dad didn't actually say that Devin was dead, she could figure it out anyways by the tone of his voice.
HYPERVENTILATING-(verb) I used this word to describe how Charlotte was so upset over Devin's death that it even had an impact on her breathing.
IRREVOCABLE-(adjective) I used this word to describe how the accident would be forever etched into Charotte's life and could never be fixed.
The conflict of the story was that charolette likes this kid named devin and she wants him to be her boyfriend. It was an external conflict because it involved Devin and her and liking eachother. I was invested in the resolution because I'm a sucker for cute love stories and was very shocked to find out that devin dies in the end tragically.I thought the ending was very dramatic and it was good.
The girl change because in the begining she was very akward and liked this boy and in the end she and this boy are very comfortable together buut then he dies which kind of stinks. If the charcter didn't change I don't think the story would've been good.
I liked how in the rising action and falling acion/resolution she described his eyes and how her memories of him were all that she had left. I thought it was cool how she used a detail she used before and incorporated at the end of the story too.
"with forest green eyes that were only dulled because of the bored expression that played across his face."
"those eyes that had been haunting me all night were closed forever."
I think the tales best quality is that it is very descriptive. I liked how the author described how charolette got ready in the morning to devin's appearance.
I agree with Erin because i thought the story was really good but you should use more details on that night of when he dies and maybe a just touch on some other parts. But it was opverall really good!
Hello
It has a nice blog.
Sorry not write more, but my English is bad writing.
A hug from my country, Portugal
1) The biggest change that I made from my first draft to my final draft was that I made the ending a bit longer to account for more detail about the accident.
2) I think that the comments were the most helpful editing system because I was able to see the different opinions of multiple people and not just one.
3) This story's biggest strength is its characters because I feel like I developed them and their personalities really well.
4) My piece of advice for next year's students is to just start writing about anything to get a story going, and once you have a bit more structure to work off of the story will practically write itself.
omg! there is a portugese guy. hi! im betty.
last vocabulary word:
HUMILITY-(noun) I used this word to describe how Devin looked when he first asked out Charlotte.
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